Choosing a baby name without turning it into a committee

Choosing a baby name can begin as a lovely conversation and end with two people explaining why a perfectly reasonable name reminds them of somebody who borrowed a ruler in 1998.

Names carry all sorts of associations. That is part of what makes choosing one interesting, and occasionally makes choosing dinner seem refreshingly straightforward.

You don't need to settle everything in one sitting. A small shortlist, a little space between conversations and a place to keep the names you nearly chose can make the whole thing feel kinder.

Make a shortlist, not a league table

Write down names you genuinely like before trying to choose a winner. If there is more than one person deciding, start with separate lists. It gives a quieter preference room to appear before the most enthusiastic person takes over the discussion.

Then sort them gently: names you both like, names one of you likes, and names you want to think about. You can move a name between lists. There are no points to defend.

Talk about what you like in a name. The sound? A family connection? A short form? It may turn out that you agree about the feeling you want, even when the first lists look unrelated.

Try a limit of a few names at a time. A list of forty-seven possibilities is less a shortlist and more a small administrative department.

This is one of the reasons we’ve put baby names into Kins, the app Emma and I are building. You can search for a name you already like, explore by meaning or origin, and tap the heart on the ones you want to come back to. The shortlist has somewhere to live other than the message you sent three weeks ago.

Say the names in ordinary sentences

Read the full name aloud. Try it with the surname and any middle names. Notice the rhythm, the initials and any obvious combinations you would prefer to avoid.

Then try sentences that sound like real life: an introduction, a birthday card, a name written on a school bag. You are listening for whether you like saying it, not conducting a test of the child's future personality.

Think about nicknames, while remembering you cannot control every one. Families are very good at inventing words nobody planned. In our house, slippers became “slipperlies”. If ordinary footwear can acquire a new identity, a name is unlikely to escape all invention.

Check meanings without letting them choose for you

If a name's history or meaning matters to you, look for a source that explains its language and origin rather than simply attaching a pleasant word to it. Some names have several origins or disputed interpretations. It is fine to say you are not certain.

If you are choosing a name from a culture or language you don't know well, take time to understand its pronunciation and use. Someone with that knowledge may help more than another page of baby-name rankings.

Kins’ name cards bring the meaning and origin beside the name where that information is available. If you’re starting with a feeling rather than a spelling, try a search such as “kind”, “strong” or “Irish”. The name quiz is another way in: answer a few questions about the sorts of names you like, then browse suggestions and save your favourites. It gives you something to discuss, rather than deciding for you.

You can also like a name because you like it. It does not need an elaborate backstory prepared for every future question.

A baby-name shortlist you can scribble on

Our illustrated six-page keepsake begins with a shortlist, then makes room to explore two favourite names: how you say them, their language or origin, a meaning and where you checked it, and why you like them. Keep a source beside the meaning so you can find it again. If the interpretation is uncertain, write that down too.

Print at A4 actual size or fit to your paper. Print extra shortlist pages if you want to begin with separate lists. There is also room for the name you eventually choose and the story behind it; save the nearly-names with the final choice.

Decide how much outside opinion you want

Sharing a shortlist can be fun. It can also produce more opinions than there are names on it.

Agree beforehand whether you want suggestions, a sounding board, or a private decision. A simple “We're keeping the shortlist to ourselves for now” is enough. You do not need to host a public consultation.

If somebody makes an unkind comment, you do not have to build the rest of the decision around it. Take useful information seriously, and give personal preferences the amount of weight you intended.

Keep the names that nearly happened

Once you have chosen, save the old list. Add a sentence about the final choice, who suggested it and any nickname you already use. A photograph of the scribbled paper can be more charming than rewriting the process into a neat story.

The nearly-names belong to your child's beginning too. Tuck the list into a pregnancy time capsule or use it as a pregnancy journal entry.

In Kins, the favourites you save while expecting stay with their profile after they arrive, under “Names before you arrived”. It makes the shortlist a little time capsule of its own, including the names that came close. You can see the baby-name side of Kins while we get the app ready for launch.

You might still change your mind. You might decide quickly. You might need another week. You are choosing a name for somebody you will get to know for years; the conversation is allowed to take a little while.